Radical Health ND

This picture was from when I was walking around seattle back in March . I haven’t added anything to this since after that trip. But a lots happened . It was hard to write about it . Especially without thinking about whether or not I’m saying it “right” . But fuck it !

Olympic national park. I went with two friends – we talked about the concept in Japanese culture that believes we’re all connected life after life . If you’re best friends with someone in this like you probably were best friends or something similar in the previous ones too. If you rubbed shoulders in this one with someone then you probably rubbed shoulders in the last one. I wonder if that can evolve .. if someone rubbed shoulders in one life but then noticed each other and made eye contact in the next .. maybe felt the weird deja vu of it in the next .. waved in the next .. said hi .. then all the sudden you’re like brothers in a life down the line . Idk .

I picked this before christian died and remember saying how good he was at finding 4 leaf clovers . It’s true I can remember several times he picked one out . I don’t think I’ve ever found one . He died with all the luck I guess . They’re all sour and delicious my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Fucking love a clover . And this park . Ho rainforest . rainforest clovers .. are you kitten me?

I went to walk down to the water. It was way further than I thought it was . I got pretty lost and then ended up at this beach . No one was there . Just this white owl statue . It was weird .

I love hearing peoples stories. Lately I’ve been thinking what if we all just wrote down our own stories? Then I was like huh maybe I should try it . Guess I’ll start here .

1-5-93 12:05pm . 5 and 3 are my number . 5 people in my family . But my family is much bigger than that . We just lost a big piece of it but he’s still around . He told me in my dreams . I think all the people we hold dear that pass might still be around.

A few weeks ago I moved to this garden. It’s the first time I’ve ever lived “alone” . I’ve got honey and a lot of coyotes and birds and a family that lives at the top of the hill. But the space is my own for a bit . And honeys . It’s felt weird and refreshing and lonely sometimes but good in a lot of ways. I’m feeling more clear and motivated since moving there so I think it’s really good for me . It’s grounding and quiet besides the breeze and the birds . Anyways I decided and said to my self I wanna feel like an athlete again. I had some injuries from playing so hard since I was little and I feel like I’m at a point that I’m ready to get stronger again .

It was a big hike and I felt fucking great. I was like damn body ok I see you we got this . I also realized I was never not an athlete . That’s always been in me. I basically came out of the womb ambidextrous with ill hand eye coordination . And humble . Anyways . I surprised myself . But it reminded me how endurance works . And it reminded me of how important mind set is . And it reminded me that all this land were on was stolen . And it reminded me the sacredness of beings that are like the rock face in this picture above . We have so much to show gratitude for.

I love thinking back to when I was little and had my bare feet in mud . When we had chickens running all over and a pig pen and baby lambs being born . I remember being dirty . And I love that . I remember being clean too jackie don’t worry . I remember the in ground trampoline and literally making up having friends to race bikes against . I remember the map I made in my closet out of the outline of stickers . I remember Will throwing everything we ever played with .. the baseball bats .. the golf clubs .. the tennis racket . I remember laughing . I remember my head being protected by the massive helmet on my head when we went around corners too quick in the gocart that I can’t believe we were ever allowed to have . I remember playing basketball outside with the outdoor light on in the cold but being warm from playing . I remember playing outside in the snow in the winter . I remember being the first one ready and overheating while I waited for my brothers to go outside in the dark to run around in the snow. I remember the breeze rolling through our yellow ranch house in the cold months and the fans going with the sliding doors open in the hot months . I remember peeing in our garbage at the end of the house when we were playing indoor basketball out of random shit we made hoops out of and taped to the wall. I remember my babysitter getting mad at me about that. I remember my cousins visiting and watching them play bloody knuckles . I remember my rabbit and my hamster – doobie . I remember dogs always being around but mostly I remember my Rottweiler Samantha . I still miss her . Sometimes I wonder if honey is her . Because they fart the same . And they have a similar look in their eyes .

I went to a catholic school. That’s where I met my oldest besties . Lizzy and Lo . I love them both so much . That’s also where I learned to treat other people how you wanna be treated . And about what it feels like to feel guilty . I remember the uniform . I remember being such a Tomboy but having to wear a dress everyday except gym day . I remember ice cream day and sitting in mass on the cafeteria floor . I remember having wax paper bags with a cream cheese and jelly bagel inside at lunch time . I remember being so upset that I got my worst grade on this brochure i made in 4th grade because I remember all the other kids that got good grades had their parents help them with theirs I did mine on my own. Shouldn’t that count for something. ? I think that might have been the first time I had a panic attack . But no body knew that then.

The view from the top of half dome was the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen . It must have been a place for vision quests way back . I used to say the most beautiful view I had ever seen was on top of one of the huge Mongous boulder things (what even are those) at arches . I was with Christian in the flesh for that one . I couldn’t stop crying . He was giggling his giggle at me about it . I felt his dad there with me that day so much . I felt Christian in the same way at half dome . I’m so thankful for experiences like those 2. I’m so thankful for those 2. I wouldn’t be the same – not even close – without them.

After MCS – the catholic school – I went to public school at Wickford . Laura came too . I went crazy. Like coocoo bananas . I felt like I could get away with anything and got kicked out of most classes I went to. I had lunch detention basically everyday of 7th grade because when I was in lunch detention the teacher would give me it again the next day for interrupting his class . I still do not understand why if he didn’t like me as much as it seemed like – why he would continue to force me to spend more time with him . He was gay so it’s not what you might think . Plus I was basically a boy still back then . Well that makes more sense..that’s weird. I remember jnon jumping all 3 flights of stairs to get to lunch first . And the way he limped away . I remember practicing half court shots . I remember my middle school basketball coach – coach gram – he was the man . He introduced me to visualizations and manifestation. I remember the feeling of that gym floor – it was like gummy . I had been playing on it for years before middle school . I wonder if it’s still there . I have a recurring dream in that building that I walk up those steps and the whole layout is the same . I’m lost though and looking for this fucking math class that I never showed up to and never took the last exam for . But the way it unfolds and the stuff that happens otherwise in that dream shifts and had changed through the years. I wonder if I’ll have that one until I’m gone. I wonder if I’ll have it in the next life too.

I’ve been wearing rose colored glasses . I think it helps not being too sad . But some of the saddest days end up coming out okay . If you don’t think about it too much at least . Drewski told me a story the other day about the eternal optimist and the eternal pessimist . there were two little kids and they wanted to even them out so they put the eternal pessimist into a room with all brand new toys all the toys he could ever want and they put the eternal optimist in a room with nothing but big piles of horseshit . and then after a while they went and checked on them and they said to the eternal pessimist , how are you doing? He said – all these toys are going to break soon and this toy wasn’t even made right . and then they went and checked on the eternal optimist and he was just throwing horseshit up in the air . And they said what are you doing? and he said he’s looking for the pony. And he reminded me to always look for the pony .

Other thoughts from spring so far:

-Intuition vs instinct? What’s the difference?

-Resolving inner conflict. What are the best Tools for it ?

-“I will smile when I think of you”

-You can’t have the good without the bad . Light without dark . Life without death .

-Grief is intense . It’s beautiful and it’s so hard

The bombing in Palestine just continues . It’s disgusting how little input and control over what’s happening there we have as the majority of people. All the posts all the anguish just doesn’t seem to have any actual leverage over the decisions made at that level . It’s so frustrating and heart wrenching and wrong . I hate that it exists when we could all be living so much more peacefully . Why are humans like this? As I type away on my phone that is charged with a battery that people are enslaved over .. it all feels so hypocritical and ironic and deeply deeply fucked up . The earth probably is just better off without us on it .